Patterns are essentially a series of habits linked together. They really serve us as we can get through vast percentages of our life without consciously thinking about
These patterns are wired into our hardware and allow us to move through life easily.
The downside is that some habits and patterns that don’t serve us are also hardwired into us. Like conflict loops:
We react in the same way, without thought. They do too. Depending on the personalities and the situation you can be guaranteed there is a large degree of same old, same old going on here.
When we react to our children in a conflict loop how successful is it?
Clearly not otherwise we wouldn’t be in repetitive situations.
If you bash into a wall you learn that doesn’t work and you don’t do it again. You consciously side step the wall and think about your choice of timing and path.
Yet, short on other options perhaps, we use the same ineffective deeply patterned (ineffective) conflict loops in our homes with our children. We lose the opportunity to show them different ways to respond thus building their choice and self-awareness muscles.
When we parent consciously we start to become observers in our lives. We look and see where patterns exist and identify what isn’t serving us, our children, our lives. We consider what conflict areas exist and we create strategies to deal with them.
The first and critical step however, is to become aware. Once we are aware we may not initially be successful in shifting the pattern, for example raising our voice when our children squabble, but we are starting to formulate another pattern. This pattern can be based on choice of response rather than impulse to react.
Breaking the conflict loop
The deep consideration is this, if you are prepared to break a conflict loop through observing, choosing something new. Reflecting on how it is going, what are you going to choose to do differently? Here are some thoughts, which we develop more extensively in our courses, on how to deal with situations without conflict:
Our next Contemporary Parenting Signature Course runs at Makaranga starting on May 9th. For more information see our facebook page or website or mail [email protected]
Join our mailing list to receive our monthly newsletter from Candice and Colleen.
Don't worry, your information will not be shared.